Seriously Random. Random Random Random.

People always confuse humility with modesty. Let me get this clear. First of all, most people who’re branded as modest are falsely modest. Secondly, they are modest only because society requires them to be. It’s a double minded thing, modesty, atleast in most cases. If you’ve worked hard, or if you’re a genius and have achieved something amazing, then if you say to the public “Oh, gee, it was just luck, it was just easy, blah blah”, that’s a goddamn lie and you know it. You have every right to feel proud of your achievement and you needn’t have to hide it behind a modest façade just to not be branded as a person with “attitude”. Real modesty, now I can’t quite explain it, cus well, I’ve rarely seen it. So I’ll not elaborate on that. Now comes humility. Humility IS NOT modesty. Humility is when a CEO treats the garbage-man, the lift-man, the driver, the doorman, the receptionist, the employee, the colleague and the boss all the same, with equal degree of respect. Humility comes out of giving respect, treating people the way they should be treated-as people. Humility isn’t double standards, unless you wanna pretend to give respect too. Humility shows that you are a man (or a woman. I’m no male chauvinist. It’s just a way of phrasing things). You needn’t be world renowned to be humble. It just takes very little effort from your side. And frankly, humility needs to be valued way more than modesty.

College’s been going on for a while. I’ve never felt so bad about studying anything. Everything feels so useless, purposeless, and not just because I don’t want to be an engineer. No. The things that we learn seem to have no feasible application in real technology. Come on, who uses a real breadboard nowadays? Who wants to sit and study the definitions of current, voltage, series circuit, parallel circuit? Who wants to sit and derive long boring equations that’ll lead to one mundane formula, when all you have to do is understand the derivation and use the formula directly? Who wants to sit and write endless pages of theory about programming, when nobody’s gonna ask you theory in the future? Education system needs to understand that we have to just be made to understand, and if it thinks that by coercing us into writing/doing outdated and redundant topics, it’s sadly mistaken. People’re just gonna get fed up and start copying from some industrious fellow, just to reduce the effort. What I’m saying is, all this, it’s exhausting. Going to college every morning, doing stuff that feels so useless and boring, coming back and then trying to do the same stuff again at home..this is not what I expected.

Remember I’d told you guys that my aunt has cancer? Well, the docs removed the tumour and she’s undergoing chemotherapy in order to “vaccinate” herself by killing any stray cancer cells. I thought “Hey, the major ordeal is over, the uncertainty of the severity. A few weeks from now, this’ll all be in the past”. Then my mother comes and tells me “It was not an early discover. The cancer was actually stage 2. Your aunt didn’t wanna tell us cus she didn’t want us to worry”. That’s when I began putting things into perspective. Having a close shave with cancer. Then going through chemo, losing the hair, not being able to eat much, not being able to go out much, being weak, it’s brutal. I’ve been doing the easy thing-staying positive. Really though, I guess I could stay positive because till now I could never really fathom the gravity of what was happening. I was ignorant, blissfully ignorant. I’m ashamed. My aunt’s even subscribed to my blog, so she’s probably reading this. I’m just trying to accept, understand, what everything is gonna do to her, what all she has to go through. It’s dizzying. And the doctors say she’s a sure survivor, thank the lord. Imagine though, going through all this and more and then one fine day, you drop dead. Imagine the struggle, imagine it not paying off. That’s such a cruel way to go. I’m a monotheist, I believe in one God, and maybe I lack the wisdom to understand why these things happen, but honestly, I can’t help but wonder what possible reason could exist for cancer to even be there. Why? I’m on the verge of losing it, and I don’t even have cancer.

Many of my blog posts feel like they should belong in a personal diary. I do have a diary. I just am too lazy to sit with a pen and write on it. Typing’s faster. Plus, I’m overly protective of my diary. But if I put stuff up here, I don’t know who’s gonna read what, so I’m blissfully unaware. And writing helps me put things into perspective. Atleast when I gather up enough thoughts to write down. As before, I’m stiff confused, a lot, about many things. Some philosophical things, some outright banal things, some personal things, it’s a mixed bag really. Seriously random. Random Random Random.

Wow I’m so selfish.